Ofmartin's story
by AmandaG96
Summary: A former midwife trapped in Gilead becomes a Handmaid. She is in a house full of abuse and a world where purpose is no longer delivering babies safely into the world, but how on many healthy babies she can have. While her daughter being raised by another family, shes tries frantically to find her and a way out. (Note: took lots of inspiration from the June storyline).
1. Monthly Business Transaction

It's just like June said, it's a business transaction. I am not me, it's just… business. By this point, I have moved house again. Apparently, the man of the last house couldn't get it up during the ceremony and thus it "was not a match" according to Aunt Elisabeth. Aunt's were our bosses, they 'cared' for us, made house matches for us, and punished us. Think of it as a stepmother on steroids. I packed my plain black suitcases and soon arrived at the new house, accompanied by Aunt Elisabeth. The short, soft faced looking Aunt was around 65 years old, and while her voice was soft and almost motherly, she was not afraid to discipline when seen fit. She held a taser from her belt, ready to use at ay chance, but her hands I feared more than the taser.

Tonight, is the welcome ceremony, the doctor confirmed that my cervix is ready I am within the days to conceive. I could only hope at this point that "god" would be on my side the new commander would shoot blanks like almost all the others in Gilead. Infertility didn't only effect females, but to these stupid people there is no such thing as a sterile man, only woman. I laid there on the soft, well made bed. She grabbed my wrist and held them down, not like I was going t try and fight anyway. The smell of powder and lavender crawled up my nose from her chest. She had bathed before the ceremony.

"May god make you worthy" She said through clenched teeth.

I couldn't stop thinking about Eva, my daughter. The images of our capture raced through my head: the guards, Eva's crying, my crying. The blood boiling anger towards my husband Alex, I wanted to just punch him when he mentioned such a world to me. A world where women had no rights, a world where our daughter was forced to be raped monthly by a smelly rotten commander while his wife held her by the wrist, or by many men in some back ally as a Jezebel. The buckle from his belt pulled me out of my thoughts, I glanced down to see him toss his belt to the ground and unzip his pants. I rested my head on the soft teal fabric of her dress,

"It won't last long, Christina. Look away".

Tears blurred my vision, but I could see she was as disturbed as I was. The laughter of the little girl in the neighboring room brought me back to my memories…. to my daughter. Eva was five when we were separated, as much as I wished for her to be a Martha she has no cleanliness bone in her body. She has no future as a Martha. My only hope is that she would be a wife. Safe from the rape – (if her husband is nice, that is), smells, abuse… the thought is enough to make you fucking gag. I filled my memory with her laughter, the happy times… I remembered when she brought home a painting from Kindergarten. She was so happy to show me the picture of her family. Me in my nursing uniform, her in her favorite Elsa dress, and her dad in his suit with his brief case and a little blue blob she painted over my belly. We hadn't told her yet, but she knew. She was always smarter than people thought. The touch of his slimy hand grazed my thigh, it broke me from my thoughts,

"Don't look at me" he said, his voice raspy and harsh.

His moans and breath made my blood boil as they grazed my face. I looked up at the ceiling trying to go back to my memories_ It's just a business transaction,_ I told myself. I inhaled sharply as I felt him make his way inside, it hurt almost as worse as the last time. I could hear Eva's voice, her tears of sadness when we told her that there would be no baby brother. I held her like a little baby as we calmed her, answering her questions with honest answers. Her hands squeezed tighter and tighter around my wrist, I opened my eyes for just a moment to see tears rolling down her eyes, I couldn't hold back the small grin upon my lips. I squeezed my eyes as the thrusts and groans got louder and faster. _We are on the beach, Eva's first trip to the beach. _I tried to bring my mind there, but the warm sensation shooting inside me was faster. Thank god he did not collapse on top of me, he just collected his belt and zipped his pants up and left the room.

"Leave" He said, as he went to the bathroom.

I was stunned with fear, but Aunt Lydia said that we had to stay on our backs with our legs up for 15 minutes to 'improve our chances'. I was scared to talk, not wanting the beating, but suddenly some courage filled me,

"I'm supposed to lay down with my legs up for 15 minutes to improve my chances".

She let my wrist go, and slowly I stood up on my elbows. I could see his back in the corner of the doorway.

"Very well, stay".

Slowly, I turned to see the tall, thin, dark haired women wiping her eyes from the tears. While I didn't know the pain she was going through, I knew pain, and a part of me wanted to comfort her. Although the other part of me just wanted to hurt her. She looked at me and before I could even look away, her hand met my cheek the sting was strong and I held my cheek as I buried my face in the side of the bed.

"You stupid whore" she yelled,

I saw the commander run to her side comforting her, feeding her words of 'love',

"I love you, my love.' He told her "You're the only one for me. She is our only way to get a child, you can't hit her. You will hurt the baby."

If I wasn't gagging before, I was now. I felt him looking at me, "Stay here for 10 minutes, then go back to your room" he told me, before leaving with her.

I heard them walking down the stairs and quickly got up leaving the room. I closed the door quietly and stood there for a moment sighing as I felt the warm goo fall out of me and down my leg. My stomach turned and before I could even control it, I heaved vomiting on the floor. A calm, warm hand met my back. I look to see the slightly plump Martha. Martha's worked as maids and cooks in the households and even nannies if children were in the household. I've heard that the Marthas are happier with children in the household, gives them purpose. She gave me a handkerchief and a smile and told me to go lie down, that she would clean it up. As I made my way to my two, I saw 2 small Asprin hidden in the handkerchief. She must have got them from the black market as pain killers were forbidden. I put them in my mouth and took them with water sitting on my bed, before wiping the inside of legs with a towel. I rested my head on the pillow feeling a headache coming on. If I sleep, I hope to drift back in the memories of Eva and Alex. Her laughter filled my head as I closed my eyes to sleep.

'Mummy, Mummy… over there, Mummy!'


	2. A Gilead Mother

Birth. It's a magical thing, but when you see your best friend in pain, the magic fades away. I held her hand as she labored and labored, I stroked her sweat soaked hair while the Aunt's left the room. At last, everyone felt safe enough to ask questions and speak to the laboring woman. The voices of the other Handmaids echoed in the room

"Breathe, breathe, breathe, hold, hold, hold, exhale, exhale, exhale…".

"How much longer" She asked, breathing through the pain. She was in a white gown, her bare belly exposed in case of an emergency. I tried not to think about it. C-sections were only to save the baby here, the women certainly died during them. No anesthesia, just the screams and blood. Thankfully I've never had to witness one, and I wasn't going to have my friend of 15 years be the first.

I sighed, "You are likely beginning transition. Do you feel pressure?"

She nodded, the contractions becoming closer and closer. "Your probably 7 or 8 centimeters. You musn't push yet if you feel the urge".

A handmaid came to me, handing me an iced towel. I placed it on her head, "Will it come soon?" the young women asked,

"I think so. I have no way of telling without checking her myself"

She nodded and scurried to the side, Aunt Elisabeth was back in the room.

"She is calmer with you here, OfMartin". Aunt Elisabeth told me,

"Yes, Aunt Elisabeth. She is." I answered, anger boiled in my body. The only thing keeping me focused from not driving the ice cloth resting on Miranda's head down the Aunt's throat was getting Miranda's baby safely into this world. Her breathing sharpened, I knew the baby head was descending. It was time.

"Up, get her up" Aunt Elisabeth ordered, before rushing out of the room once more to get the wife. Her fake breathing was enough to make me want to slap the bitch. She mimicked the sounds from the bedroom with the other wives by her before coming into the room to sit behind her handmaid as she gave birth.

"You must get up" I told her in a whisper "I know the pressure is great, but when you get to the birthing chair, with each pain, push hard. I will be there".

The other handmaids helped her up, each whispering words of encouragement,

"Listen to her. She's a Midwife" one handmaid said, like she didn't already know. Miranda was the one who endorsed my University. Coming from a rich family she had lots to give. I promised her when she had a child of her own, I would deliver her free of charge. Though at the time she laughed and told me she would go to England for free care anyway.

"I know" Miranda groaned, "I paid for her university" We ushered her to the chair and sat her down. The pains were on top of another.

"She's the best midwife I know" She said sitting down, gripping my hand. Her sweaty and exhausted face was full of fear and I had forgotten how to comfort her. It had been so long since I had delivered a baby. I could only say so many words of encouragement before she was sick of hearing them.

"Please, Lena. I need to push" she groaned, her nails digging into my hand. Her strained groans filled the room. Aunt Elisabeth and the wives scurried in the room carrying the wife into the room as she mimic's Miranda's groans and screams.

"Breathe, Breathe, Breathe, , Push, Push, Push" the handmaids yelled. I kneelt beside Miranda, making room for the wives her leg on my lap.

"You're doing so well, keep pushing" I encouraged. The smell of blood and amniotic fluid filled the room, the baby head was likely crowning. With another push, her body lifted off the chair from pain. The head came through,

"Pant, Pant, Pant" I yelled, thankfully the handmaids' words covered my coaching. With one small push, the baby slid out. I immediately scanned the little body for deformities, signs of life, and pollution damage. Aunt Elisabeth held the blood covered child, it looked healthy on the outside but it wasn't crying. _Come on little boy. _ After a couple moments, a loud piercing scream filled the room.

"A son" cried Aunt Elisabeth. "A healthy son".

The wives helped the blonde, thin and slightly sweaty women over to her bed. Aunt Elisabeth wrapped the screaming chocolate brown baby boy up in a cotton blanket before handing him to the wife. She beamed with excitement.

"Do you have a name?" Aunt Elisabeth asked the wife.

Miranda rested against my shoulder, crying softly. I stroked her hair as she whispered to me "His name is Gabriel".

"Shh" I rocked her like a little child as the handmaids around embraced us. They all knew the pain, they knew that words were not enough.

The wife smiled, she beamed looking at the us, sea of handmaids, hugging the now crying Miranda. "His name is James".


	3. Christina Monroe

Leaving Miranda to care for the baby. The birthing mobile took us all home. I know, funny name for such a stupid bus. It had been almost six months since I was moved, and the Monroe's are still upset that I was still not pregnant. Sonia, the sweet Martha, greeted me at the door with some breakfast. Though I knew I needed to eat to avoid harsh words from the Monroe's I did not care at the moment.

"No, thank you Sonia. I'm really tired, I am just going to go to sleep". I took off my cloak and hung it on the hanger before retiring to bed. The slamming of the plate of food on my side stand jerked me from my sleep, I shot up from my sleep to see Christina, angry. She grabbed my face and squeezed tightly, "Eat!" she yelled in my face. My blood boiled and I wanted to slap her, but not before a tear dropped from my eye.

"I… feel sick" I told her through clenched teeth. She released her drip and stood back, I could tell she was trying to control her breathing. She just looked at me and eyed the food. The smell of lavender and baby powder lingered in the room. Her dark brown eyes and long curls reminded me of an old, harsh, historical figure. I wished that I could see her be executed the same way as the Princess I was thinking of. It filled me with some joy. Thinking of this, I tried to not think of the food in front of me. The thought of eating to please her made me sick, I wanted to torture her like she was torturing me. I scanned the food on the plate; bread with cheese, beef, mashed peas and milk on the side. Half of that I couldn't even eat due to lactose in tolerance, but in Gilead they don't give a damn. You get what they give you. Not wanting to get beaten, I pick up the bread with cheese and held it to my nose, the smell made me gag but I had to force myself to eat something. I bit off a small piece and swallowed quickly. Without hesitation she left the room, the smell of lavender and baby powder following her. The cry of the toddler filled the house once more, I wanted to shut that kid up. The anger boiled and boiled, I walked into the bathroom looking at myself in the mirror. My jawline was visible, my cheeks were sunken and the dark circles under my eyes were darken than they were before. The evil women's voice rang in my ears, "eat, bitch. Eat". The words of Alex lingered in my ear "Don't worry, darling. I will protect you. You will be protected. don't worry." Begging me not to leave to safety. The anger build and build I couldn't control my breathing everything went black, my hand met the glass mirror, the glass shattered before me. It felt good, I hadn't noticed the blood running down my hand. I sighed as the anger left my body. Sweet relief. Sweet relief.


	4. A Women's Punishment

I don't remember when I was taken from my bed, forgive me, but it was early in the morning. My eyes still ached from lack of sleep but the cold fall morning woke me up slowly. We stood in a circle, while Aunt Lydia stood on the stage with the microphone. She spoke, her raspy teacher like voice made me want to grab the nearest gun and shoot her right between the eyes. My body shivered with cold, and fear as my ears heard the click and clack of rocks. _Please tell me we didn't have to stone someone today, _I thought. The last stoning we all had to take part in took months to get out of my head, but her words rang in my ears and my fears were confirmed.

"Girls, what is the punishment of endangering a child?" Aunt Lydia asked, she too, covered in warm clothing. Her brown scarf around her throat, I wonder how long it would take to tighten that scarf before the life was choked out of her? We all answered in unison.

"Death by stoning, Aunt Lydia"

Her voice had a spring of happiness to it as she said "You remember Ofdaniel" her arm extended to the side, the guards carrying the one eyed, mentally unstable Janine. She waved with an innocent smile,

"Hi" he said, glancing around at the group of women. She caught my eye me as she was forced down to her knees in the middle of the circle and waved.

Aunt Lydia continued, "Ofdaniel endangered the life of the Putnam child… and thus, she shall face the consequences".

Anger, confusion, sadness all rolled into one. My heart was aching for Janine, I just wanted to go up to her hug her tightly and run away. She may be annoying, mentally unstable, the mind of a child at times, but she kept us all positive… she reminded us that this will pass and we had to have hope. I would be damned if I were to lose that. Suddenly, a voice called out. Ofglen. The annoying skinny, pro Gilead bitch.

"Aunt Lydia, are you crazy?" She called out, "We can't do this, she is our friend!"

"Ofglen!" Aunt Lydia yelled, "back in line"

She was too far away from me to usher her back in line, I could hear the other girls telling her to get back into line, but she refused. Her voice softened,

"no, no. This is crazy. I'm not going to kill Janine. I'm not going to kill my friend".

Before we could even blink, the guard came up and swung his gun across her face. Blood flew from her mouth as she fell to the ground. I heard a loud crack from what I assumed was her jaw. I looked down, not wanting to be next.

Aunt Lydia yelled at the guards, telling them that we shall not be hurt, and that we are her responsibility. I couldn't help but roll my eyes at the comment. I squeezed the rock almost ready to throw it at Aunt Lydia, if I threw it hard enough, I could break her skull. But if I didn't, I would certainly be the next to get hit. It was too big of a risk.

A couple girls beside me, was June. I saw her step forward with the rock. Aunt Lydia only a couple steps away from her. She had a clear shot, would she take it? June extended her arm and dropped the rock in front of Aunt Lydia. In that moment, I peed myself a little. The thought of punishment crossed my mind, what the fuck would it be this time?

"I'm sorry, Aunt Lydia" June said stoically. The first words we learned in training, 'I'm sorry Aunt Lydia'. I looked at Janine, she was almost crying, but she still smiled. She looked….happy? I looked back, seeing Alma dropping her rock.

"I'm sorry, Aunt Lydia" she said with fear in her voice.

Before I could even stop myself, I stepped forward with a rush of confidence. My voice, thankfully, shook with fear, even though my mind was full of anger. That, hopefully, would make the blow lighter.

"I'm sorry Aunt Lydia". I told her, dropping the rock. I watched the other women around me do the same, the voices echoed the circle "I'm sorry, Aunt Lydia".

She told us to go home, and that there would be consequences. I bend down to pick up my wings feeling the moisture from the pee in between by legs and my thighs. I looked back and saw Janine being taken by the Guards, I thought she would be sent to death anyway. It was only later I heard that she was sent to the colonies, and it wasn't until the bombing on the Rachel and Leah Center where over 30 handmaids died that she was sent back to be a Handmaid.

The moment was full of uncertainty. We walked home together in a big group, I walked in the door and took off my coat and mittens before going into my room and running a hot bath. As the bath warmed up I went into the kitchen and asked Sonia for some tea which she snuck into my room as I bathed. I curled into bed remembering Eva, how we would cuddle in bed together as a family to keep warm. She would steal the hot water bottle from Alex and I, she would put her cold feet on my legs to warm them. I still remember the jolt of cold through my body. Alex would laugh and say it was payback, but I would still do the same to him. I smiled and fell asleep remembering the smell of her hair. Johnson's baby shampoo.


	5. Nathaniel

That was the toddlers name. The toddler I had been living with for 10 months now and had only heard crying from afar. I sit at the kitchen table, trying to eat the lunch in front of me. I hated meat; it made me sick it irritated my stomach. I picked at the crock cooked beef, eating the surrounding carrots and mash potatoes. The more weight I loss, the sicker I had become, and the angrier the Monroe's were. Surely I would be moved soon with my 'failure' to produce a child for them. I could only hope the next commander and his wife would be nicer. However, knowing my luck, that would not happen. The doctor confirmed that I was not pregnant a couple days ago, saying that my illness was stress related suggesting that the house be peaceful to improve chances of conception. The Monroe's listen to no one, and thus, the abuse continued. I saw Sonia out of the corner of my eye, reaching over me, placing some newly picked carnation on the table. The smell of the fresh, lively flower was calming, along with Sonia. She recently bought new laundry detergent; it was almost…calming smelling it. I gave her a nod, and continued to pick at the food. A sudden tug on my skirt alerted me, I looked down, expecting the dog but instead baby blue eyes and dark curls stared back at me. My heart warmed as I released it was the child I had heard months before whimpering during the ceremony.

I smiled sadly at him, I pitied him. He smiled back but it didn't match my sadness, he beamed with happiness and excitement. Such innocence.

"This is Nathaniel" Sonia said, "The Monroe's son. 13 months old"

My mind drifted to when Eva was that young. She was a late walker, and was still using my pants to walk. It was a warm summer day, Alex and I were out in the garden in the hammock. Our arms out, the laughter fresh in my mind. _"Come on, darling!"_ I cooed, _"Come to mummy"_. Alex holding the camera capturing the moment of her finally walking unaided straight to me. Her laughter and babbles fresh in my mind.

"Ofmartin" Sonia asked. Jerking me back to reality. "Are you alright?"

"Yes" I smiled sadly, "Just remembering when my daughter was this young" I whispered. The little boy was trying to climb up my skirt, getting frustrated as he kept slipping. I picked him up, sitting him on my lap. He faced Sonia, but soon found interest in the new face… me. He turned around finding the loose string on my dress and chewed it. He rested his head on my chest, adjusting himself for a cuddle.

The feeling was confusing, I somewhat hated this child, because Christina loved him so much. As he laid against my chest, quietly listening to most likely my heart beat. An overwhelming feeling came over me, a feeling that I had not felt in a long time. I knew I couldn't let it overtake me, for this wasn't my child to feel it for. Yet, the feeling of protection came over me.

"I should get him to bed" Sonia said, "Mrs. Monroe will be home soon".

I was almost angry when the words rang in my ears, take him away? NO! As she reached for him, I slapped her hands away pulling back. _"Mummy, Mummy, Mummy."_ I heard Eva cry. The forest was cold, dark, and big. Her little arms reached out for me, but the soldiers were too strong.

"Lena!" Sonia yelled, jerking me back into reality. She leaned in close to me, "This is not your daughter, this is not Eva". I didn't notice the tears in my eyes, but I imagine they were there as she slowly took the boy from me. Like a zookeeper trying to take a Lion cub from its protective mother.

"I'm, I'm sorry" I said softly a lump welling in my throat.

I watched them leave, reminded of the soldiers taking Eva away.


	6. Fuck

The punishment for refusing to stone Jeannie extended to all of us except June, who is recently pregnant. I must admit, I was very angry when she was pulled from the freezing cold rain from her knees, the rock taken away from her extended hand as she was walked inside to dry off and eat. We shivered from the cold, almost huddling together for warmth. We then realized that if we wished we had a fire to warm us now, we would soon be in one. One by one aunt Lydia and Elisabeth handcuffed us to an oven, our wrist over the flame and turned on the fire. The smell of burning flesh made a few vomit, and a couple pass out but that didn't stop the punishment from happening.

I like to think I took the punishment with pride, but I cursed and screamed and even fought Aunt Lydia and Elisabeth which resulted in a hard punch in the face. Having nursing training I was able to keep the wound clean while I was at home, asking Sonia for sterile dressings. Perhaps this incident was the only time Christina actually was mad that I was hurt. I heard her yelling at Aunt Elisabeth and Lydia saying that if my chances to conceive this month were demised by this punishment she would ensure that they would be on the wall. I almost wanted to hug her. Almost.

I sat in my room about a week after the punishment. The pain in my wrist from the burn was still there and not getting any better, though that was normal at this stage of such a burn. The nausea I had experienced since I was in Gilead changed, it felt different- Imagine a hung over from Tequilia, but all day. It didn't take long for me to put two and two together. I didn't tell them for about three weeks because all the vitamin C I had taken refused to do its intended job for such a condition. My breast swelled and the vomiting started and I force to face it.

We were soon at the doctor's office for the doctor to officially confirm the pregnancy. I just laid there feeling the warm probe up my vagina trying to think of something other than three people looking at my vagina. I continued to beg my body to lose it, as the life it would live would be cruel. It didn't deserve that. I remembered a picture of Eva in my head, the last one I had seen and scanned her features. She looked so much like her father then, but she had my eyes and hair. Did she still look like that? How did she look now? Is she learning about Gilead? Has she had her medical test done yet? They do that in Gilead, they start track the pelvic growth of young women at the age of six. Eva would be six soon. The thought of my little girl having a warm probe up her vag filled me with rage; she didn't even know what it was yet. Mrs. Monroe's voice broke my thoughts, years of smoking turned her voice raspy and rough. The smell of lavender and powder ran up my nose again.

"Would you like to see the baby?" She asked softly.

Stunned by her question, I was forbidden to say no. I wouldn't be a good girl if I denied them in any way according to Aunt Elisabeth.

"yes, please" I said softly, overcome with the nausea. The curtain separating the doctor, and the Monroe's from me opened and I saw the ultrasound screen. The doctor looked at the Monroe's turning the screen towards me. The little flicker of the heartbeat was visible; it was fast and so was mine. It was at just the right size and from my calculation measured to be about 9 weeks.

"She is 9 weeks pregnant" The doctor said, confirming my evaluation. "Due the 25th of November".

My eyes glued to the screen, scanning the fetus. It looked healthy and my placenta was in the right place, unlike my pregnancy with Eva. I'm sure you are wondering, I'm sorry to tell you that I didn't feel love for the baby when I first saw it. In fact, quite the opposite. I thought of ways to abort it, and make it look spontaneous. Vitamin C didn't work, but what about a certain tea, or castor oil? Abortion in Gilead is punishable by being ripped apart by dogs. Nah man, I wasn't going to go out that way. I had plans to die in my bed, in my sleep, peacefully from old age with Eva, the grandchildren and Alex by my side and I plan to make that happen.

"Was there any complications with your first pregnancy?" the doctor asked, I was expecting to hear a slap from the commander asking such a forbidden question. Alas, nothing. It was a necessary question.

"I… I had placenta previa with my daughter". I stammered, "She was a week late…but surprisingly I was able to give birth naturally".

I looked at Mrs. Monroe visibility upset that I was able to give much detail. I gulped, looking away, back at the ultrasound screen. I looked back at the doctor who gave me a sympathetic look, I could tell he knew I was in the medical profession before Gilead.

"Well, the placenta is high up in the uterine wall, Mr. and Mrs. Monroe. So, there is no threat of such a deadly condition. You baby looks healthy. Blessed be the fruit".

The nausea was almost unbearable at this point, I covered my mouth trying to swallow.

"How is the nausea?" he asked Mrs. Monroe.

While I expected her horrid self to lie and say that it was fine, to my shock she said the exact opposite

"It is horrible." She said with her hand on her belly "I can't eat. I'm worried for the baby. Is there anything you can give me?"

He nodded, "If you would like, I can prescribe an anti- nausea medicine so that she can get some fluid and food into her. It will not harm the baby in any way. I can give it to her right now through the hand so that she can eat some food before she goes home today".

She looked at her husband, the tension in the room you could cut with a knife. Thankfully she agreed. I hated that the doctors were unable to ask us direct questions. The wife pretending to have our symptoms, to feel our pain was sickening. I could feel the bile move up from my stomach, I leaned over the table and heaved, all over Mrs. Monroe's shoes.


	7. The Hospital

I laid in the bed, my arm stinging from the poorly placed iv. The vomiting finally stopped and I could sleep some more. Mr. and Mrs. Monroe had to leave early to attend to business. The white room smelled of medical supplies. I had missed such a smell, reminding me of happier times when I worked in the hospital. When births were truly happy moments and were truly miracles. The baby's heartbeat on the monitor, it truly was music. I awoke to the opening of the door, expecting Mrs. Monroe was here to pick me up. The doctor with a file closed the door and hurried over to me.

"I don't have much time" He said, opening the brown file. The same black haired, gentle eyed doctor was nervous but quick, I could hardly keep up. "Your daughter, Eva. She is in my care now." He pointed to a new picture of her, it was on her file. The almost six-year-old girl. She was beautiful and looked just like me. I touched the photo as a million questions through my mind,

"How is she. Is she okay. Is she healthy?" I asked, I wanted to see her, hold her.

"She is well." He told me "She is so beautiful. She likes to dance, and sing. She is excellent at Maths and Languages. My wife is teaching her Spanish".

I sighed in relief, happy she wasn't with a family like the Monroe's who will beat her and brainwash her. I looked at the picture scanning it to remember her face. He quickly closed the file, hearing someone come, he slipped it under my sheets, slipping it under my legs. Aunt Elisabeth rushed into the room.

"Come, Ofmartin. It's time to go home." She turned to the doctor, "Doctor, if you mind taking the IV out. She is requested at home." No, No No No. I wanted to hear more. I needed to see more. No, no.

The doctor immediately turned calm "Yes, Aunt Elisabeth. If you please excuse us, I'll take the IV out and get her things ready and you will be more than welcome to come back in and help her dress".  
Aunt Elisabeth was clearly taken with the doctor. He definitely knew how to play the game. The game of Gilead. He wrapped his arm around Aunt Elisabeth and guided her out of the room, watching her go into the other room before closing the door. He took the file from under my legs and unbuttoned his trousers and shoved it down, his shirt and trousers hiding the file. He zipped and buckled his belt before taking the IV out.

"I promise you, Lena. Your daughter is well. She is loved and well cared for, you don't need to worry".

I smiled at him, holding back the tears. I couldn't have said thank you enough. He put the bandage around my hand.

"Be brave, Lena".

He opened the door, Aunt Elisabeth marching in. "Come Ofmartin. They are expecting you home soon."

The doctor helped me out, out of bed and Aunt Elisabeth helped me dress. She placed my wings on my head while the doctor helped me put on my cloak.

I nodded, "Thank you, Doctor".

As we walked down the hall, I put my hands in my cloak. My left hand touching a cylinder bottle with a cheap plastic lid.

"Stay here, dear." Aunt Elisabeth said "I must use the restroom, first".

As I saw the door close, I pulled the cylinder from my pocket. It was an old medicine bottle, but no medicine sat in the bottle, but a rolled-up picture. Eva's face stared back at me, in her pink bonnet. I shoved the cylinder back in my pocket, protection radiating from my body. I looked back, down the long white corridor. The doctor at the end, looking at me, with a smile. I reached for my other pocket, feeling more cylinders. I moved my hand around my deep pocket, they really were asking for revolution when they gave us deep ass pockets. One, two, three, four five, six, seven cylinders I felt. I smiled back squeezing the cylinders. Praise fucking be.


	8. The Plan

Every couple of days I sneak a look at the photo of Eva. The months were painful but with the news around that another blessed miracle was on the way I was protected. I was still only allowed out one time a day to walk to the store, but I treasure it none the less. I walk with the cylinder taped to my thigh, the cool autumn air breezed against my skin. My walking partner talked in a low voice, but I admired the scenery around me, not particularly wanting to talk today.

"Have you heard anything about your daughter?" She asked in a low voice. I jumped out of my thoughts. I should keep it a secret, but the urge grew inside of me, too much to control.

"I got a picture of her". we slowed down, and she looked at me. A look of…. yearning. I knew she had missed her son, and I couldn't help but feel almost guilty for receiving the picture.

"Is..is she healthy? Is she alright?" We continued to walk,

"She is healthy." I said with relief, "She looks like me." Passing some guards we turned the corner, speaking out before Gilead was forbidden and if they heard, you would be taken away. As we were sure they were away, I continued

"The doctor who treated me for morning sickness has her".

I removed my gloves, placing them in my shopping bag, as the shopping centre was in site. She pulled me aside along the wall out of view from the guards, I thought she was going to slap me at first.

"Have you heard about Noah? My son? He is being cared for by a doctor as well."

I was stunned, I didn't know what to say to her. The doctor did not mention having a boy, only my Eva.

"I do not know, Of.."

"Kate... my name is Kate".

I smiled sadly. Names. They were forbidden now, I almost forgot we had names. She offered… hope in that time.

"Kate…" I sighed, "My name is Lena".

We joined the main road and reached the shopping centre. With the news of my condition going around, it was known with everyone that I was with child and because of that, I was accompanied by a guard with my handmaid while shopping. Some handmaids become very jealous when another becomes pregnant, apparently.

"Blessed be the fruit" The guard greeted me, staring at my slightly swollen stomach.

"May the lord open" I responded, his voice was not raspy and strong as the other guards. Perhaps he was nicer than the others? I had spent months trying to sniff these guards out.

"Excuse me, sir." I asked, as we started to walk down the aisle "May my walking partner join us?" glancing at Kate.

"Of course, ma'am" he said, "you lead the way ma'am. I will pick things up for you"

The smell of his cologne was strong and gave me headache. I reached into my pocket, taking the list displaying only pictures, drawn by Christina.

"Tomatoes, Potatoes, Pork tenderloin, Peaches, apples, pickles, and bread".

It was slightly awkward with the guard and Kate. I knew we couldn't talk while the guard was there. I just didn't want to be left alone with him. We reach the tomatoes. The jar displaying only the picture was the same as before Gilead. Just the label changed, a simple fucking label. I rubbed my belly, thinking of Eva… I was just teaching her to read. She probably can't even read now.

"Ofmartin, are you ok?" Kate asked, her hand on my arm.

"Yes, I am alright". I looked at the guard, giving him the approving nod. He held the item and we continued to walk along the aisle. Other handmaids looked at us, and while I wanted to talk to them, I couldn't trust the guard. I needed to get him away. The other handmaids in my group were huddled by the apples, they were fresh apparently. Just came in from Mexico.

"Excuse me, sir." I asked timidly, "I am feeling rather warm. May I have some water please?"

His eyes glanced towards the group of ladies around the apples, FUCK I was caught. FUCK. FUCk. FUCK. Expect a slap, Lena. Brace. Brace. He leaned forward, I braced my cheek. Like a plane crash, all I could hear in my head was the memory of the captain yelling_ brace. _

"Of course ma'am. I shall be back in two minutes…unless you want ice cubes, that will take longer."

A slight smile grazed my lips. A relief smile more like it. "With ice please".

With that he walked away and Kate and I walked towards the apples. I looked, seeing June, Alma, Breanna, Moira, and Jeanne. I knew they were just the people I needed to see. I needed them on my side with my mission to get Eva and I out of here.

"Blessed day" I greeted.

"Blessed be the fruit, Ofmartin" greeted Alma stoically.

I looked around, no Guards', no Marthas', no Aunts'. I can finally say it "May the lord fucking open".

Snickers and clenched chuckles escaped their lips. I knew I didn't have much time, so I cut right to the chase.

"Look, I know what you have planned and I want in" I moved to the other side of the apple stand seeing guards in front of the group

"What do you have to offer us?" asked June, she was the mastermind and knew of my daughter. Her heart and head were certainly in the right place, but she needed something from me in return. I reached into my pocket and look out a cylinder, labelled Alma placing it in the apples. Her son, Samuel, is now known as Joshua. He is 9 years old now.

"He has your eyes, Alma". I said, before turning to walk away seeing the guards getting suspicious. I saw Alma pick up the cylinder and place it in her pocket,

"The peaches are lovely this time of year" I announced, walking over to the peaches the girls discreetly following. I could see the guards on their toes and I knew I couldn't drop the rest of the photos without them seeing. The guards followed me, big machine guns in tow. Suddenly, I heard a strong voice shout.

"Hey, boys! We have a problem out here. Don't you listen?!" I looked up to see the same blue eyed, ginger haired guard from before. He winked at me before following the men. He bought me at least 60 seconds. I scattered the cylinders in the peaches, each one labelled. "Sonja, Breanna, Jeanne, Moira, Martha, April…."

I saw June, standing on the side. She knew I had no picture of Hannah. She had been moved, and her Martha recently killed, no one knew where she was. I went over to her, watching the ladies discreetly put the cylinders in their pockets.

"Is that enough to offer?" I asked sarcastically.

"We ship out in five months. Try and not give birth before then"

Five months…..five months…..my due date….


	9. Fear

Three months has passed, and I am reminded every day of Mayday was coming all too quickly, along with the child. We had two months until Mayday, and the preparations were still underway. After a couple months, I was finally able to convince Sonia to join Mayday, and even persuading her to bring Nathaniel. I helped her fix the scones to send to the Lawrence house, where and Joseph Lawerence and his handmaid June were planning the scones, three people in the aircraft. June even was able to give word to the Doctor who thankfully sent back four scones. I couldn't wait to see my daughter, but I shook with fear. Will she remember me? Will she hate me? Will she think less of me? I paced the kitchen wishing I could send word to Alex in Canada, telling him that we will be coming. No, I couldn't risk it, not this far in. The sweet smell of autumn breezed through the open window. The leaves dropped from the tree turning a beautiful orange colour. Sonia was out with the baby who was just learning to walk. I had to get to my daughter, I had to see for myself if she remembered me. If all of this was for nothing, if she were brainwashed. All these thoughts rushed through my head her disowning me, her not wanting to speak to me. Fear ran through my body, my hand resting against my mouth. The child started to kick inside, probably sensing the stress. I patted my stomach attempting to calm the child, and sat down at the table, trying to think of a way to see her. School was to let out in a couple of hours, I knew that her walking home would be my only chance to see her. I needed to ask Sonia to come with me, no handmaid was allowed out alone, let alone a pregnant handmaid. While I wasn't sure on the details, I knew that I needed Sonia to accompany me. The smell of Lavender and powder broke my thoughts, she hardly spoke to me. She only really touched me, my belly that is. She would talk to the baby everyday for 15 minutes, claiming that it would help the baby get to know her. The boney women walked to the table with some milk, sitting down beside me. She sat the milk in front of me and looked at me.

"The wives are throwing me a baby shower in two days' time. You will be there, and you will be silent the entire time."

I wrapped my hand around the milk, the only thing helping me from not wrapping my hands around her skinny neck and squeezing.

"Yes, Mrs. Monroe" Is the only words I could say to her.

"Aunt Lydia and Aunt Elisabeth will be there to keep you in line…"

I couldn't stand her voice, her raspy cigarette smokey voice. I looked out the window, watching Sonia and Nathaniel play. Soon, they will be free. Sonia will play with Nathaniel in the meadows and gardens, and Nathaniel will grow up respecting women. A hand around my jaw and a sharp turn of my head brought me back to reality.

"Listen to me, girl"

I looked into her light blue eyes, so much hate, so much pain, so much anger staring back at me. I just wanted to smash her face with the glass of milk. I gripped the glass tightly to stop my hand from carrying out the motion,

"Not too tight, Christina." I said through clenched teeth, "You'll will hurt the baby….. He's sleeping now."

The anger rising inside her, the fear crept through my body, but I knew she wouldn't hit me. Not with her precious little cargo inside me. I dared her. She would certainly be put on the wall if she hurt the baby and she knew it. Her cigarette tented breath grazed my face,

"Your…so…fucking lucky."

She removed her grip from my face.

"Make me some coffee" she commanded, through clenched teeth. "GO!"

I stood up slowly, cradling my belly. I relished in the fact that I could grow a life. It hurt her. She deserved to be hurt. All of the nights I heard her yelling at baby Nathaniel to "just go the fuck to sleep" How "she wished she wasn't alive" she wasn't a mother. She wasn't even human. I reached the counter and took out a glass, her own glass that read "World's greatest mother". So ironic. I adjusted my white cap before pouring the coffee into the mug. She stood uncomfortably beside me, but I didn't let it bother me. I creased my belly as the baby kicked,

"Would you like sugar, Mrs. Monroe?" I asked with a smug tone.

Her eyes moved towards my belly, _for the love of god women, stop fucking looking at me _I thought.

She bends down on her knees, moving my hands away from my belly. Her hand strattled my belly as she placed her head against the middle. The baby was moving but stopped kicking. The baby was often silent when she was around, I secretly thanked it during the night when it was just me and it. I was surprised when she spoke, her voice was shaky.

"Baby? It's mommy." She sniffed back tears, "In 2 days, mommy's will have a party for you, because she loves you so much…. she loves you, and you will have everything you want. You will have ice cream" her lips creased the soft red fabric of my dress. Sweets were not forbidden, but sparingly offered to the people of Gilead. She creased my belly, "Baby?" She called, wanting the baby to kick. I looked away, wanting to be the mosaic painting on the wall. This was just fucking awkward. Even Alex never did this to my belly when I was pregnant with Eva. "Baby, its mommy. Please… let me know your there".

I was surprised, she seemed to care? In the past 16 months of Nathaniel's life I hardly saw her with him, only ever harsh words no person should hear directed towards them. I couldn't wait to get the boy out of here. With some hesitation, I touched her bony hand with my shaky hand, moving it to the top of my belly,

"It's foot is there" I said awkwardly.

She creased the spot, the baby's foot poking out. It retracted, moving about. She smiled, tears running down her face. This was bloody awkward indeed. She kissed my stomach again.

"I love you, baby. Mommy loves you so much"

_Love._ I scoffed _You don't know what love is, bitch._


	10. The baby shower

I sit on the soft white chair. The blue lavender powder scented wives around Christina as she opens the baby gifts. Other handmaids around the wives, looking discreetly annoyed as they open the gifts and talk about how the pregnancy is going like they were the ones going through it. She opens a baby donut pillow, the one I would recommend to all of the mothers to be who walk into my birthing clinic. It was excellent for breastfeeding, and cuddling. The wives didn't acknowledge me, I only had the comfort of Aunt Elisabeth and Aunt Lydia by my side, who made sure that I was alright. This whole get together was almost enough to make me gag. I slipped into my thoughts, remembering my own baby shower with Eva. The house full of people, the smell of food, and macroons sweet macroons. I miss those so much. I remember the happy faces of my mother, who flew in from Ohio. My grandparents who were happy to welcome their first greatgrandchild. Alex's mother, who I was not very fond of, she reminds me much of Christina. She often said horrible things to Alex that made me want to punch her. I remember one time, we had to leave the house one time you could cut the tension with a knife. But, you know something? I would give anything to have that life back… I think all of the handmaids would. All the bad moments aren't shit anymore compared to this life. Alex's grandmother was there, she was frail and weak from old age but that didn't stop her from coming to the baby shower. All the shower games that were stupid then that made everyone happy, I would give anything to relive again. Miranda was there as well, she helped with the cake, and making sure everyone wasn't up my ass. Aunt Lydia's voice broke my thoughts, "Are you alright, dear? Would you like a break?"

"No" Aunt Lydia, I said with a smile "I am alright".

I looked around the room, seeing June on the other end of the table. Having a successful pregnancy in Gilead, she was allowed to such events. I should mentioned that her daughter is safe in Canada with her husband, but Hannah is still here and she needed to get her back before she would ever step foot out of here. She looked at me and gave me a nod. We were good. We were almost ready for the Mayday. Her nod read, just try and not pop before the day.

I looked back at the wives, giggling and happily playing with the new clothes and toys asking Christina questions.

"Do you have any names for the baby yet?" One wife asked

"Oh, how is your husband, he must be so happy" another asked

"Is she a good handmaid? Obedient? Mine is awful" I glanced at her handmaid, Brittany, standing right behind her eyeing her evilly. _Fucking bitch_

"She is fine" said Christina. I was surprised at that comment. "I just cant wait to have my baby in my arms".

"How is Nathaniel? Can we see him? " one wife asked,

"He is fine, Margaret, thank you. I'm sure we can get the Martha in here with him." She said smiling, Christina turned around.

"Ofmartin. Go and get Sonia and Nathaniel"

"I will go, Mrs. Monroe" Aunt Elisabeth said, "Ofmartin needs to rest at this time." Aunt Elisabeth was the gentilist of Aunts but she was quite hard headed. She looked more like Theresa May in my opinion and I'm sure the Brits will thank me for that comment.

"No." Christina said softly, "I asked Ofmatin. Ofmartin can walk. She can get Sonia and Nathaniel"

The room was silent, a quite awkward silent. I couldn't say no, and I couldn't make a fuss. I looked at the wives faces, most were surprised by Christina's comments towards the Aunts, others were looking at me waiting for me to move. Very well then, if she were going to try and embarrass me, I would embarrass her. Placing my hand on my hand, I reached for Aunt Lydia's hand who slowly helped me from the chair. She looked rather concerned but I assured her, improving "Thank you, Aunt Lydia." I said softly, "The baby lays on my ribs these days, its hard to stand up now."

I could hear the sympathetic gasps of wives. _Good bitches. Good bitches._ I opened the door and walked out closing it behind me. Finally, a moment alone. I rubbed my belly, "Don't worry" I said, "They aren't your family" I said, walking into the kitchen where Sonia was cooking with Nathaniel crawling beside her. I stood in the doorway watching Sonia and Nathaniel, I smiled seeing them interact, she really is the mum Christina could never be and I think, watching the boy smiling, that he knew it to. I knocked on the door way.

"Sonia, Christina requests that you bring Nathaniel in and I think the cakes are low. These women can eat cake for days." I joked.

She chuckled at the joke, "Of course they can. They are the fairest in Gilead". She picked up Nathaniel and fiddled with the tin of cakes, but Sonia wasn't strong enough to carry both.

"Let me help, Sonia" I said, attempting to take the cakes.

"She will freak out if she sees you carrying the cakes. You can't eat them, she will think you have." She handed me Nathaniel who I rested just above my belly. He looked at me, scanning my face for a moment, before smiling and resting his head on my shoulder. I smiled holding him in my arms, my heart warming. It had been so long since I've held him, and he had grown so much. A little over one, but he was quite small for his age but perfect and healthy according to Sonia. Together we walked to the living room. I opened the door reading for the gasps, yelling, and probably slaps that greeted me behind the door. The chatter had stopped when the wives saw me holding the calm boy. I looked at Brittany, the dark-skinned handmaid, who eyes lit up with yearning. It didn't take long for me to realise that this was her son. Her eyes welled with tears, she fought to hold herself back. I walked towards Christina and placed him on her lap. The ladies rallied around Christina talking to Nathaniel who was clearly going to become overwhelmed. I sat back down looking at Brittany across the room, she wiped the tears from her eyes as Sonia laid the tray of cakes down, replacing the others. She looked back at Brittany, exchanging smile before leaving. I hope the Aunts didn't see that.

That night I send another scone to the Lawrence residence. One for Brittany.


	11. The escape

Mayday had come. We were to move at sundown. As breakfast and lunch came and went, dinner soon approached, Sonia was preparing the tea for Mr and Mrs. Monroe, the tea that had Trazadome in it. It would make them sleep the whole night so she would not realise our escape. I had helped her prepare the tea, secretly crushing more pills in the chamomile scented liquid. The family had been on high alert since my due date has approached, I was utterly terrified that the child would be born at any moment. Sonia picked up the blue tented china set and walked into the dining room, where the Monroes were sitting. I creased my stomach as the child moved inside, causing me great fear.

"Hang on. Hang on, you can come tomorrow or the next day but not now." _Mummy needs to get us out first. _It seemed like forever, but Sonia came back, empty handed, I sighed in relief as Christina and Martin accepted the tea. She wrapped me in a hug,

"it's almost time, I'll get Nathaniel" she whispered, going into the living room. My eyes were almost glued to the clock. We were to leave as soon as they were asleep. 3 hours and we will be on the aircraft, we will be free. 3 hours. 3 hours. Sonia came back with a sleepy Nathaniel, sleepy was good, very good. He would not make noise. The boy was dressed in his night clothes and cradled his stuffed teddy bear. We packed a small bag for him and wrapped him up in warm blankets, I took him from Sonia as she put her coat on.

"I will check on them, if I'm not back in 2 minutes, you go without me".

I sighed, not wanting to agree. I couldn't leave her

"Promise me, Lena"

"…I promise".

She went towards into the dining room, my eyes at the clock… soon a minute passed, a minute 30. The cold winter air grazed my face and soon started to wake Nathaniel who nuzzled his face into my cloak. As I reached into the bag, I ushering hand moved me out the door.

"Go, go, they are asleep... go" She said softly but sternly. We closed the door and walked through the woods behind the house. The Lawrence household was at least a mile and a half away, we had to keep walking no matter what the conditions were. We moved between the trees, the journey started off easily but soonthe wind started to pick up, Nathaniel still nuzzled to my chest, his hot breath against my chest was comfort to know he was breathing.

"We should almost be there" Sonia said, as I was starting to not feel my feet. The weight of Nathaniel was getting too much, as I had to stop.

"Sonia, take Nathaniel" I put the boy in Sonia's' arms and we walked more and more. We could only hope that the guards were not patrolling these parts of the woods. Lights from the traffic beams lit up and moved, that meant someone was reported missing. My heart sank,_did they wake up and reported us?_ The stress made me move faster, forgetting the pain in my feet and hands. The journey was silent, Sonia and I feared us being heard by anything. The guards in Gilead were trained like the military, butwere well known for their skills in hiding. Be silent, head down, and go. After a couple more minutes of walking we approach the house with green lighting, it was the Lawrence household. We banged on the door as the lights were frantically swinging back and forth. We were ushered inside by Martha's and Handmaids. I scanned the faces; Alma, Brianna, Jeanne, Brittany, Katharine, and June. Martha's and children were more. The large basement held gardening tools, knickknacks, and old appliances now banned. The smell of theappliances brought me back to the past, when Alex was making a treehouse with Eva. The smell of the wood… The handmaids ushered me out of my wet snowy cloak, asking me how I was, but the questions were worthless.

"Eva" I said, "Where's my daughter? Where's Eva? She is with the Doctor. He said he would be here with his family" I looked at Alma, "Please, have you seen them?"

"You must calm down, Lena." They assured me, "You must calm down". Oh no, something was wrong, I know it. "Don't. Don't tell me to calm down, I need to see my..."

"Mummy?" A small voice emerged from the many voices, a small, sweet voice. "Mummy?" I looked towards the voice, the doctor -the same dark haired green eyed doctor from months before holding the hand of the brown curly haired girl. She was shy and a little unsure.

"Eva?" I cried, unable to control my emotions I bend down wrapping her into my hug but to my fear, she pulled away hiding behind the doctor.

I looked up at him, "Please forgive her, she is a little overwhelmed".

He bent down to her "Do you remember who we talked about seeing today? Do you remember the pictures I showed you?" he asked, "the brown, curly haired women?"

She shyly nodded "This is her, this is your mommy. Remember?"

"She doesn't look like mummy" she said softly, her soft British accent she inherited from her father fading.

"Remember how we talked aboutwomen carry babies in their tummies?"

She nodded looking at me,

"well, your mommy has a baby in her tummy and that's why she looks different".

I nodded, "Yes, yes, sweetie. And…" I whipped my tears away, "mummy is so sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I just… I just missed you so much."

"It's okay" she looked at the doctor,

"Do you remember me?" I asked her, begging her to say yes in my mind.

She nodded her head yes, "but your face looks fat" she said bluntly

I laughed, she was still her blunt self. The doctor smiling. "Yes, baby. I am having a baby very soon". I opened my coat showing her my belly.

"You don't get to keep it" she said looking at my belly.

I looked at the doctor and around the room at some of the spectators. "Now, honey. Where we are going soon. I do. I do get to keep it. And you get to be a big sister. Would you like that?"

She looked around unsure.

"She will start to come around soon" he encouraged, "She is just confused. I did show her pictures of you. She does know you."

I nodded. I did not doubt his words. I looked at her, pulling her hair behind her ear,

"Ok. Ok baby. I will give you some space." As much as it pained me to, she needed time to adjust. "I will be over here, with my friends."

I reached for the doctor, my hand resting on his shoulder "Thank you." I said softly, "Thank you for keeping my daughter safe…and loving her".

He smiled, a reassuring nod followed.

He helped me to my feet, I looked around scanning the many faces. So many Marthas and children. I almost looked around to scan for my mother. However, I knew all too well that women of her age were quickly put in the nuclear sections. I would give anything to see my mother now, to give her a hug. To sulk in her arms like a child again. As I took, taking everything in, I found an empty mattress and made my way down to the floor feeling my heart break. I wanted my mother. I wanted my husband. But more than anything, I wanted to cuddle my daughter, who didn't even remember me. I looked over, a mattress in the corner, seeing Sonia with Brittany introducing her to her son Nathaniel. He was happy. Perhaps the happiest I've seen him. He reached for Brittany, who gladly cuddled her son, tears running down her eyes. I look around seeing other children with handmaids, they were older than what we remember but they all looked happy…content. Katherine with her son Noah now 10, Helena with her daughter Charlotte now 6, Maria with her daughter Meghan now 9. I creased my swollen belly feeling the baby kicking. I never knew that I would feel pain meeting my daughter again.

Within a couple hours, we were all gathered into the living room and Joseph Lawerence started to read fairytales to the children. Eva was across the table from me listening to the fairy tale, her favourite "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs". I would read the story to her every night before bed, so much that she would recite it to me before school the next morning. As the story went on, she wouldn't stop looking at me, and soon she pushed back the chair from the table, she hopped off and walked over to me holding her arms up to me.

"Mummy" She called out,

Without hesitation I picked her up holding her above my belly. I held her tight and close feeling the tears welling in my eyes. "Mummy missed you so much". I whispered in her ear.

"I missed you too Mummy" she said holding onto my neck tightly.

I opened my eyes to see the doctor and his wife both smiling at us. They were so good, and there were few good people in this world. I smiled at them, cuddling Eva close to me.

A Martha ran into the room, "We must go now! They are going door by door looking for children".

Suddenly the room became chaos with moving bodies tall and short. The Martha's ushered us outside the back door everyone grabbing their coats along the way. We had at least a 3 mile walk to the aircraft and with the chilling cold I knew we had to hurry. I held Eva to me, grabbed my coat and wrapping it around her. As we reached the outside the cold seemed to unfazed me, I held Eva's coat holding her close to me for warmth as we were unable to stop, in fear of the guards you were certainly looking.

It was a line, like when we were children in school. Nobody talked, nobody stopped unless we were told to. As we reached the fence, the only treacherous part of the journey, gun shots fired. Holding Eva close to me, I hid behind a tree covering her ears as she buried her face in my chest. I didn't know how, but the gunshots stopped, and quickly we ran to the opening. Rita, the Waterford's martha ushering us across the street. I looked as I ran across the street seeing rocks hurling towards the guards. The red and white colours flailing in the cold winter wind. I held my head down and ran ushering the tired children past me. I could see the aircraft. Eva's arms tight around me.

"We are almost there, Baby." I said to her, "Hang on".

The hard-black stairs were steep, but I was able to get climb on, children already sitting in the middle of the aircraft. Finding a seat on the side, I sat Eva down bending down in front of her.

"Are you alright baby?" I asked, checking her over, her head, her body, her legs.

"Yes, mummy." She said softly,

I wrapped her in a hug, grateful she was safe. I sat beside her as the others ran onto the aircraft. It quickly became cramped. Like we were sardines. I moved children around, trying to get as many as we could in the aircraft. Soon, no more children came in, and Rita closed the door. Banging on the door for the pilot to go. I scanned the room, Eva's head resting on my shoulder.

4 handmaids

8 Martha's

50+ kids.

But, I couldn't see June, Alma, Rebecca, or Brianna. I found Rita and Sonia and asked, "Where is June, and the others?"

"They stayed behind" Sonia said, "They distracted the guards…..they saved us".

The children huddled together for warmth, I put Eva's coat on and zipped it up tightly, taking a blanket and wrapped her up tightly. Finally realising my own coat, I wrapped it around meand placed my mittens over my fingers. I started to realise how cold the night was.

We quickly took off, with Eva still shaking from the cold I moved her to my lap and rubbed her hands placing them under my arms.

"We must get you warm, Monkey" I said to her.

"Mummy. Can I have some hot chocolate when we get home?" Eva asked,

"Of course, monkey. You can have as much as you want" and held her to me. _Hot chocolate sounds good right now. Damn and a piece of cake. Ooohoooh and cookies, chips a hoy!_My stomach growled from the thoughts, causing the baby to move for the first time sense the journey. I looked down at Eva as I moved her to my lap, andcradled her like a baby, her cold hand nuzzled in my arm pit for the 2 hour long journey to Canada. The engine putting her to sleep. I looked around the craft, the children were sleeping on top of each other, The doctor and his wife resting their heads on each other, Sonia and Rita wide awake watching everyone.

As the engine slowed, we touched onto the ground in a hard bang that woke the children.

"Is everyone okay?" Rita asked.

The assuring little voices were relief, and soon the door opened. A dark-skinned women walked in, pausing for a moment, taking in the situation. Her orange vest red "Relief Crisis Volunteer". Eva stirred awake and sat up hugging me close.

"Hello, my name is Moira, and I'm here to help"

The children were silent, I looked around seeing the people in shock and disbelief. We were actually here. Finally free.

"Ms." A small voice asked, "Is this the place where I can wear what I want?"

A small smile grazed the woman's' lips, "Yes, sweetie. It is".

She extended her hand, and the girl took it, escorting her off the plane, and one by one, all of the children were escorted out of the plane.

I looked at Eva, "Okay, honey. You walk beside Mummy okay?"

She nodded and took my hand, the handmaids and others walked off the plane before Eva and I reached the first stair, I couldn't help but stop, looking around. 5 ambulances with Paramedics and many crisis volunteers with the children, asking them questions.

It was a white old terminal like landing site. Half outdoors, but the heaters were excellent and quickly overheated me. I took off my coat as I walked down the stairs with Eva beside me. A woman greeted me,

"Hello, is this your daughter?" She asked,

"Yes, ma'am this is my daughter. She stays with me" I said, while I was surprised at my defence, I wasn't going to take any chances.

"Of course, ma'am. What are your names?" she asked holding a white paper and pen. I couldn't help but stare at the supplies. In Gilead you would get a finger removed if you were caught reading, and 2 removed if you wrote. My name? Oh, yes, my name…. ugh. I blanked. Eva's little voice broke me from my thoughts.

"Her name is Mummy, and my name is Eva Elisabeth Osman".

I smiled at her, holding her close to my leg,

"I'm sorry". I said wiping my tears away, a mixture of proud and shock "My name is Lena….Lena Osman".

She smiled and with a thank you went away. Soon a paramedic came up asked if he could check me and Eva out. Of course, seeing that I was heavily pregnant. I hesitantly nodded and walked to the ambulance. _What if the paramedics were undercover Gilead officials to take us back?_ Before I could turn back, we were at the back of the ambulance, he was patient and slow. Looking over Eva, who he quickly made laugh with a balloon glove.

"Look Mummy" she laughed and hugged the balloon.

I smiled as I awaited the results of my blood pressure.

"Your blood pressure is normal, ma'am. How far along are you in your pregnancy?"

I cleared my throat, looking at Eva "I am full term. My due date is in 2 days".

"You seem well educated" He said, placing his stethoscope to my belly.

"She delivers babies" Eva said and with a finger poked my belly. She looked at the paramedic with a smile "She has a baby in her belly".

She quickly was restored to her same little self. She wrapped her little arms around me and kissed me on the cheek. I had only hoped that overtime she would not remember the place she spent two years of her life in, I hope she wouldn't ask questions. I had hoped that she wouldn't have depression or PTSD. I wanted nothing but to protect and shield her from such horrors.

The paramedic smiled, "the heartbeat is strong. You are free to go to the man over there."

"Thank you" I said pulling down my red sleeve. I helped Eva down from the steep drop and we started walking. I suddenly felt sad, realising the years I had missed of my sweet little girl's life. I had only thought of what I had missed, and if she remembered her father or if she will remember her grandmother.

I looked ahead seeing an all too familiar face. He stood in an orange relief crisis vest, short brown hair with squared glasses. He had lost weight since I had last seen him, he dropped the clip board he held.

"Lena?! Eva!?" he yelled, running towards us.

"Daddy!" Eva yelled, running to him. He embraced Eva in a tight hug, tears streaming down his eyes. Eva cried with happiness no doubt. She was always a daddy's girl and nothing made me happier in this moment than to release that she remembered her father. I thought I would be angry at him still, for not leaving when things first went down. But all the anger went away when I saw him cry. I felt pleasure seeing him cry, he felt bad. Was that bad of me? Yes, it must have been. I shook myself out of my thoughts and walked over to him. He must have been in shock as his eyes glued to my round belly in front of me. He held Eva in his arms.

"Daddy, Mummy has a baby in her belly." Eva said with excitement. I couldn't help but feel guilty, feel bad. What am I going to do with this child? What am I going to tell this child? So many thoughts ran through my mind at once, I could place it up for adoption? I could lie to the child and say that Alex is his father. I could tell it the truth.

"Mummy's going to have a baby, Eva" said Alex, wiping tears away. I thought he was going to be mad, or tell me to get rid of it. Or many irrational thoughts. "You know what that means, yes? You're going to be a big sister!"

Alex put Eva down and wrapped me in a hug, "It's going to be okay, Lena." He told me, "We will get through it". I wrapped him in my arms letting the tears fall from my eyes with happiness and excitement.

The chaos around us seemed to dissipate, there was just us, nothing else mattered Just us. And I believe him, we will get through this.


	12. Epilogue

I would be lying if I told you it was easy writing this. I would be lying if I told you that I was expecting a recovery period after getting out of Gilead. Truth is, I didn't realise that I was even scarred until I found myself staring blankly at the hospital wall for an hour until the Psychologist was finally called. It started with a session everyday with a psychologist named Dr. Bridges. One 2 -hour session every day. I had to talk about the hangings, the punishments, the rapes, and all the things I forced my mind to push to the side. After a week, I was, not surprisingly, diagnosed with PTSD. There is no cure for PTSD, you just have to cope.

I know you are wondering, four days later, I gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Alex was right there by my side, holding my hand as each wave of pain came. Holding the gas and air in my mouth as I moved around with each pain, trying to find a comfortable position. Even though the midwife was nothing but kind, calm, and patient with me, I couldn't help but hear the same voices in Gilead during a birth, the Aunts, and Handmaids chanting the same words over and over – breathe, breathe, breath, hold, hold, hold, exhale, exhale, exhale. I wanted my friends in Gilead then, as I screamed for the pain to go away, I wanted to hold the hands of Miranda**,** and Alma while looking into the calm reassuring faces of Breanne, and Jeanne. I must admit, Childbirth is the only time the handmaids feel as one and even though I was labouring with Alex and a Midwife, I felt alone. He finally came into the world after 48 hours of labour, I thought to myself he was scared to come into the world, Alex was the first to hold him, first person he saw, and the first to change his nappy. While a mother instantly feels love and a sense of protection for her child, I did not. It took me 2 weeks to hold the boy, every time I saw the little hands and legs moving, I saw Martin Monroe. I felt the thrusting again, his animalistic groans, and the smell of his cologne. Alex cared for the boy until I recovered, seeing him with the child offered relief in knowing that he would be a father to him. I watched Eva be a doting sister, so much love was in her little heart for the boy, and while it was a great fear that she wouldn't accept the boy, it never crossed my mind that it would be me who had the problem accepting him. It wasn't until another session with Dr. Bridgesthat I started to realise it wasn't the child's fault (not that I blamed him), that he would not be taken away from me, that he was mine and no one else's. He assured me that Canadian law was bringing in a bill, protecting the children of the fled handmaids stating that they would not be sent to Gilead to be with the families we were once forced to serve. They weren't their children, according to the law. They were ours.

I remember the first time I held Jack, he was 2 and a half weeks old. When I held him, he was instantly calm and while it took time for the love and protection to develop, it eventually did. Alex and I have decided to, one day, tell him the truth about who his biological father is. He deserves to know, and it would be wrong of me to hide that truth from him. Eva is a good help, she hands me diapers, and always comes home from school greeting her brother, giving him the latest paining and story she wrote in school. She is now up to the level she is supposed to be in school, we had to work extra with her, but she is now at the level she is supposed to be excelling well in Maths, Reading, and Writing. How ironic as those things are not taught in Gilead Schools. The doctor and his wife, Ethan and Tabitha, are still very much involved in our lives, as well as Sonia, and Brittany. We go for Coffee often, and we see each other forgroup sessions with Dr. Bridges. I thought it would be hard seeing them, but it is comforting knowing that we are not alone.

Dr Bridges told us yesterday that we are all ready to go back to work soon. Canada needs workers and all of our qualifications have been reinstated by the Canadian government. I start work in 3 months' time as soon as the mandated maternity leave is over at the local hospital as a Midwife. Ethan, the same hospital as a GP, his wife Tabitha as a social worker for refugees, and Sonia and Brittany as journalist. I am nervous, very nervous. For years, I was drilled with the Gileadean childbirth practices. What if I just freeze and revert to the birthing chant? What if I forget everything? But I was assured by Ethan, and Dr. Bridges that it will all come back in time and I'll be working under another midwife for a couple months. Still, I worried.

I dread the day Eva learns about Gilead in school. I dread the day that Jack learns about his father. I dread many things still and those things will never go away until it is in front of me. I often wake up at night screaming, it isn't until Alex holds me in his arms and tells me that we are safe in Canada that I am calm. I hoped that Eva wouldn't have such a problem, so far she seems to be flourishing in her weekly therapy sessions. She has nothing but good memories of her time with Auntie Tabitha and Uncle Ethan. I couldn't have thanked them enough for giving her a happy life, and shielding her from the horrible things that were happening just outside, but you can't protect them from school. I yelled at her once when she sang a song she learned in school about Gilead while skipping rope. It rang in my ears for weeks afterwards:

_"There are 4 occupations in Gilead_

_Which one will you be_

_Martha_

_Jezebels_

_Handmaid_

_Wife"_

Gilead's government has recently collapsed with all of the information given from the refugees, myself and the others from Mayday included all we can do is wait and hope that soon we will be reunited with our loved ones still in Gilead. I still wondering every day if Miranda, Alma, Jeanne, June, Brianne and all the others are still alive, I wonder if they hate me for leaving them behind. I wonder if they too will face the horrid nightmares that come with finally being free. Freedom does come with a price. I want them to return, so that we can fulfil our wish we spoke of, that day as we walked along the hanging wall that we would go out all night, drink tequila, sing at some sleezy karaoke bar and just for a night be like normal friends.

Dear Hannah,

I suppose this is my story, or well what I can bring myself to share right now. I hope that this offers you some information for your book report on Gileadean studies. The only other advice I can offer to boost your grade is to watch the news, I hear BBC will be showing government overtake of Gilead that is said to be happening in a couple days. And yes, I shall be watching it with the others if you would like to join us. If you have any questions, feel free to send me another email, I will be quite busy these next couple days but I will respond when possible. Thank you for reading!

Yours,

Lena Osman

_Certified Nurse Midwife at University of Ontario, Canada_


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